1. I’ll never cheat on you.
2. I’ve never given you a reason not to trust me.
3. I’ve always loved you with all my heart.
4. I’ve changed for you, for the better.
5. I planned Forever with you…
It’s amazing how extremely fast a seemingly perfect world can change. A flutter of a shutter and everything has changed. Your mentality, your reason, your existence pretty much. My world is coming to a halt right now. Like when you lose sight of what you want, and have to choose a path…it’s where I’m at.
We’ve got a long way to go tomorrow….we’ve got to fight to keep the devil away. We got to fight for the love we have. YOU have to fight. You have to show change. Starting a sentence with “you” is never something you should do in the heat of an argument because it’s an accusation type phrase. It’s automatically going to put you on the defense.
“Go back to sleep.” I say. I can’t my eyes are closed, but my mind is racing through the empty parking lots of your emotions and misplaced words earlier this evening. It’s a shame, everything was great and now it’s not. Now it’s seemingly NOTHING. You’ve made it nothing. “I love you sweetie”, you exalt. But you say it through your teeth in alleys far away from me. I can’t hear it because you’ve pushed me to the cliff’s edge. I see the others down below; I never imagined it this way with you. I always thought this cliff was to be vacant but never occupied, at least not by me. “Look at my hands, I’m shaking, my hands are shaking.” I feverishly utter. It was a nightmare I never thought would happen. Last thing I knew, I told you to drink one for me because you were having a mislead moment. I thought I was giving you something to relieve some of the stress caused by non-believers and skeptics. “Turn the key please, GO! GO!” You listen to your mind as it gives you the knifes edge to cut the beauty we’ve made. I can’t handle this much longer. I’ve done nothing wrong, I’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve done NOTHING wrong.
Sober from life, willpower, love, and intellect. You’ve promised it wouldn’t happen again. But it has. It has. And it’s toll, is more this time. It’s toll has been never this much… I question your motives with a grasp on my own. I question why I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I question the plans I constantly think about, the life I constantly dream of, and the memories I constantly want to make. But I realize it’s because I truly love you, for the you that you are. You are NOT you when you’re drunk, you’re a different person. Honestly I don’t even know if it’s the real you; that you hide while you’re sober with me, or if it’s some hidden demon that resides in the darkest auras deep within your mind and heart. Your drunkeness has taken my life once more. I don’t know how many I have but I know that I’m growing weaker. My personal growth is halted, it’s restarted, it’s lost. I try so hard to make you happy. But I fail. I can’t imagine my success in that department because walking with my chin up has been something far less seen lately. My feet drag the ground and my eyes fade with the sunset.
My mind monopolizes the bad when you drop to this level, and I try to think what I did to deserve this && all in all, I know I did nothing. I don’t text, message, or talk to girls behind your back. I’m the most respectful that I’ve ever been. It is, after all, my future that is in my hands – or not in my hands. I don’t even control my own life anymore. You do. You control my mind, all I think of is you. You control my sight, all I see is you. You control my emotions, all I feel….is you. You have no idea; and that’s what hurts the most. My mind is fighting a losing battle right now….
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
That’s my scream for freedom from this life. I’ve not shed more than a tear in 2 years, but tonight, my cheek is drowning in emotion. It feels good. It feels like the water of a freshly drawn bath. It’s the feeling of hope, from losing a part of your life (feeling && emotion), to finding it in all the wrong places, but you found it. You found it. My heart does have heat, it’s not an icebox. I don’t know what is going to happen from here, and honestly, I’m not worried about it. I know that I’m doing the best I can, the only way I know how, and I’ve done nothing wrong, and according to my beliefs, I will reap what I sow. I sow pain in a weave of love, I sow sorrow with my arms open wide, I sow love with an endless amount of pride. You’re my life, and if it’s taken from me for some reason other than something I caused; then I don’t deserve this life given to me. I deserve a different life where I am adored with a surge of passion every moment I wake. I deserve an unimaginable amount of hugs and random kisses. I deserve this, and I will get it. I only want it from you, but if you’re not willing to put your life in check and realize what you have, then you don’t deserve this either. I will die for you.
All I know is that I love you. I love my monster; I’m beginning to think I’m fucked for doing so. All I ask is one question…
For every emotion I drool, for every heartbeat that passes with the thought of you, for every breath and every scream of freedom from the nine to five and routine lives, for every time I fall into you, for every time I step in two….just to stride with you, for every pinky promise that quells a dream, and for my life…that I’d gladly give for you – Will this ever be enough?
